The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My vagina just clenched in fear
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