she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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