Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
