Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
