All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
