I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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