While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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