When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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