The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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