peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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