Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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