Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
