What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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