Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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