You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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