I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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