How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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