I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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