I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
