how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
