i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's always time for handjobs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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