I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
