i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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