My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
