Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
