WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
