I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
