mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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