I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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