i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
