alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
