I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
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SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
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The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.