DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.