so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.