Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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