Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
