I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
