Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
