nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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