Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
