help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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