he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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