Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
