Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
