drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
