You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
