can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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