sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
