i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
