apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
