They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
