when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
