Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
