You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
