Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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