Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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