I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
