my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
