Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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